


takes you as you fall

by lonelier_version_of_you



Category: Holby City
Genre: Angst, Chronic Pain, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Undiagnosed Chronic Pain, Unresolved Ending, also i slipped an autistic henrik joke in here and it was so good i decided to keep it, projecting my pain onto john because i can, this is not a happy fic i'm afraid, what more would you expect from me tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:14:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25232959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelier_version_of_you/pseuds/lonelier_version_of_you
Summary: Basically what it says on the tin: a oneshot about John suffering from chronic pain. Probably set in one of those domestic AUs where John retires while Henrik keeps on working.
Relationships: John Gaskell/Henrik Hanssen
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	takes you as you fall

**Author's Note:**

> your favourite author is Suffering at the moment! therefore i will make john suffer too because i'm in a lot of pain and very tired and scared and i can't see a doctor because my parents are trash. yay. /s
> 
> this fic probably seems a bit rough around the edges - that's because I wasn't planning to publish this when I first wrote it in May/June, it was purely for self-indulgence's sake, and I can't be bothered to edit it properly now lmao
> 
> title from Line of Fire by Junip. doesn't really have anything to do with the fic (though it is a very John song) but I didn't know what else to call it.

John wishes Henrik would come home.

Well, that’s only halfway true. He’s enough of a burden to Henrik as it is, and doesn’t want to be even more so: he knows his lover is already far too worried about him for his own good. Henrik needs the break that working at the hospital gives him. He doesn’t deserve to have to be stuck looking after John.

But John is so horribly exhausted.

For a while now, he’s been constantly fatigued, no matter how much sleep he gets, and his body seems to be endlessly aching. It’s a struggle to do much of anything lately – getting up, showering, cooking meals, all of these tasks often feel utterly beyond his reach. And right now, he feels like it’s taking all of his energy just to stay sitting up on the sofa and half-watching TV.

So, selfishly, he wishes Henrik were here: wishes he were around to support him, and rub his back, and bring him food, and whisper loving assurances to him.

But he knows how much it stresses Henrik out to have to do these things. He knows how scared Henrik is by all of this, and how much he’s been pleading with John to see a doctor about his symptoms. So he’ll just deal with it on his own. He can do that. At least for today.

Until suddenly his whole body starts _hurting_ beyond what he can deal with, and his heart starts racing, and he realises that no, he can’t do this after all. He needs to lie down. So with his last remaining strength, he drags himself up from the sofa and up to the bedroom, and climbs in to bed. He pulls the covers around himself and just lies there, on his back because lying on his side would make the pain worse.

There’s an ache in his ribcage, a dull kind of pain but still relentless and refusing to let its presence be forgotten, and he can’t seem to focus on anything else. Except, perhaps, for his heart’s refusal to slow down. And the way he feels so terribly faint, like he’s going to pass out.

John doesn’t want to be dramatic, but he kind of feels like he’s dying.

He feels a few tears starting to make their way out from his eyes. He’s so tired and everything hurts. He thinks he can feel a headache coming on, too.

He wants Henrik even more now.

John has broken down crying by the time the front door opens. He doesn’t even hear it over his own sobs and gasps for breath, not at first.

Within minutes, though, Henrik enters the bedroom and sits down on the bed. “John,” he says with an undertone of fear and worry in his voice. “Is _it_ bad again?”

“Yes,” John confesses. He doesn’t want to scare Henrik further, but he knows it would be impossible to pretend he’s okay when he’s hauled up in bed sobbing from the pain.

“You should have called me. Said something. I don’t want you to suffer alone.”

“I didn’t want to bother you when you were finally getting a break from me.”

“I do think about you when you’re not around, you know. I’d like to hope you don’t think my having a developmental disorder means I lack understanding of things such as object permanence,” Henrik teases gently. John finds it comforting that Henrik’s at least trying to joke with him. It makes all this feel a bit more _normal_ – not that anything in John’s life has ever been normal.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to worry you,” John says, still feeling that he should apologise. He doesn’t know why Henrik even puts up with him, why he doesn’t just break up with John and find someone better.

“You don’t need to be sorry. You didn’t choose this. No one would.”

There’s a stabbing pain in John’s back. He winces and tries not to make it too obvious how bad he’s feeling.

Henrik seems to notice, anyway. “Do you need anything?”

John looks away nervously. “Can you just…”

“Of course,” Henrik assures him. Before John knows it, he feels Henrik carefully pulling him into his arms, letting him lean against his chest. Then he feels Henrik’s hand slip under his shirt and run up and down his back slowly.

At first, the touch _burns_. John can’t help but let out a whimper at it.

Henrik shushes him gently. “You’re doing really well, _hjärtat_. It should ease up soon.”

John closes his eyes and tries not to think about the pain he’s in, or the headache that’s turning just thinking into a struggle. He tries to focus solely on Henrik’s touch and his softly murmured words of comfort.

John’s growing drowsy, about to fall asleep in Henrik’s arms, when he’s snapped back to reality by Henrik’s voice, suddenly louder and far more serious.

“John?”

“What?” John mumbles, forcing his eyes open.

“Have you eaten at all since I left for work this morning?”

John tries to remember whether he ate anything after breakfast. Now that he thinks about it, he’s fairly sure he didn’t. “No,” he admits.

“Would it be okay with you if I brought you something to eat? I’ll only be gone for a few minutes.”

“Don’t want you to leave,” John weakly protests.

“I’ll stay here for a little while longer, alright? But then after that you really ought to have some food. I know it’s hard, but you’re only going to make yourself worse if you don’t eat.”

John just nods. He has no energy to disagree, anyway. He closes his eyes again and lets Henrik rock him in his arms, gently and slowly so as not to aggravate his aching body.

The pain is less than it was earlier ( _or perhaps_ , John thinks dismally, _I’m just growing more tolerant to it_ ), but the exhaustion remains and his head hurts so badly. He just wants rest, but he couldn’t possibly get any of that in this state. He finds himself crying again, and clings tightly to Henrik, as if in a silent plea for him to make it all better. He’s tired of hurting. He’s so tired.

“Shh, shh,” Henrik hums, ruffling a hand through John’s hair. “Oh, John. I do wish you’d see a doctor about this. I hate not knowing how to help you.”

“You’re a doctor,” John murmurs.

Henrik sighs. “Yes, but I’m also your partner. You need someone unbiased. And someone who can examine you in an environment with proper medical equipment. We need to find out what’s wrong so we know how to proceed, okay? If it’s a minor issue, you’re suffering for something that could be easily fixed with the right treatment.”

“And if it’s something worse?” John asks quietly. He’s terrified of _this_ killing him – or worse, being permanent, because Henrik won’t want him then, he won’t want a boyfriend who can’t _do_ anything and doesn’t make any contribution to the household and can barely even keep his own balance anymore. “What if I don’t get better? Or what if I’m going to…”

Henrik doesn’t answer, for a moment. When he finally speaks, it’s in that hushed, loving tone that John thinks is maybe reserved especially for him. (He’s never heard Henrik use it with anyone else.) “If the worst happens… I’ll be there for you. For as long as possible. We’ll get you assistance – nurses, maybe, people who can help you manage things – if necessary. There are things we can do, to improve your quality of life, help you stay active and mobile. And regardless of what happens, whether it’s in one year or twenty or thirty, I’ll be with you right up until the end.” He squeezes John’s hand. “I promise you that.”

John wants to be able to believe all that. He can’t, though. Henrik will change his mind and leave if it really comes to any of that and John will be all on his own and probably waste away in a nursing home somewhere, if not on the streets.

But he doesn’t have the energy to express any of this, and knows trying to convince Henrik to be realistic about the situation would be fruitless. So he just squeezes Henrik’s hand back.

“I’m going to get you some food now,” Henrik announces moments later. “Is there anything in particular you’d like?”

John shakes his head.

“Alright. I’ll choose, then. I’ll be back soon.” Henrik places a light kiss on John’s hand before leaving the room.

John flops back down on the bed, too tired to try and keep himself sitting up any longer, and waits for Henrik to return.

**Author's Note:**

> i know the ending isn't satisfactory but consider: i am unsatisfied irl lol
> 
> also the pet name henrik calls john - hjärtat - literally means 'my heart'... i watched this swedish show once where this woman kept calling her husband that and i thought it was Adorable and henrik would totally use it for john (esp. because john _definitely_ has a weakness for henrik using swedish pet names on him and henrik knows it) so here we are
> 
> hope you enjoyed the fic or whatever


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